MOTHERS DAY

"Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young." ~ Author Unknown

"Mothers are all slightly insane." ~ J.D. Salinger

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." ~ Phyllis Diller

"There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it." ~ Chinese Proverb

"It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him." ~ Helen Rowland

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." ~ Calvin Trillin

"A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car for ever after." ~ Peter De Vries

"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge." ~ Phyllis Diller

"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." ~ Oscar Wilde

"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie." ~ Tenneva Jordan

"You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back." ~William D. Tammeus.

"Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life." ~ Author Unknown

“Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease." ~ LisaAlther

"My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth certificate, so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra fifty cents that the adults had to pay." ~ KareemAbdul-Jabbar

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." ~ Mark Twain

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it." ~ Buddy Hackett

FRANK “IT’S THE WAY I TELL EM” CARSON HAS DIED AGED 85

Belfast born comedian Frank started out performing in local pubs and concert halls. He got his big break on the TV Show ‘Opportunity Knocks’ in the 1960s and then went on to take part in TV show ‘The Comedians’.
Described as “one of the nicest people in showbiz” Frank also worked tirelessly for charity.
Below are just some of his jokes and as he would say ‘IT’S A CRACKER’.
 Paddy calls a wrong number at 3am. "Is that O'Malley's Bar?" he asks. "No it's not, this is a private residence." "Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you," says Paddy. "Ah it's no trouble," says the stranger. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
 My father fought in World War I single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.
 A fella said to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” And the doc says: “We should have told you yesterday.”
 An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.
 A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”
 A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: “You’ve got three minutes to live.” The man said: “Can you do something for me?” “Yes,” he said. “I’ll boil you an egg.”
 Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
 I don't think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
 I rang British Telecom. I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: "Not you again.”
 My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”